So last night… it got real.
I have been fighting this battle with depression for years. I was bullied as a kid and I guess I never really got over it. What bullying produced was a girl who never thought she was good enough. This grew into a teenage girl who would do just about anything to feel wanted, loved. I was seriously looking for love in all the wrong places. I was taken advantage of. Treated like a toy men would use for a time and then toss aside. There’s a lot more to say about that. But as of right now it is far to painful for me to articulate right now.
I was not a religious person in my youth. I was not saved and holy ghost filled. I was just a girl. Feeling that no one would ever truly love her and that I had to just get by. I was suicidal and every day that I survived, every breath I took felt like torture. I did not want to be here anymore. The mental pain and anguish I experienced was overlooked by everyone. Friends, family… It was like no one could see it. I felt in my mind that I was screaming out for help. My actions were literally cries for help. I just wanted someone to say… SAVE ME!!! But no one could hear me. I guess I was expecting them to decipher my puzzle. To figure me out and to pick me up in the biggest bear hug they could muster and say “we love, we are here for you. Let’s get you some help.” That day never came.
Fast forward 20 years. I am a mom of two and in the best relationship I could ever wish for. But that sad girl, she still pops up every now and again. This is what happened last night.
I’ve talked before about being gay. My fiancee is the most supportive, loving woman in the world. I have been feeling lately that I love God, but according to some very vocal Christians I’m wrong. The fact that being gay is going to keep me out of heaven. No matter how much good I do. I’m not right. This has caused me a lot of mental anguish over the past couple of years and start to feel like “What’s the point?” Why pray, attend service, participate in bible study if I doomed to go to HELL for who I love.
Well last night my fiancee was asleep and I tried to wake her up. No dice. She recently had back surgery and the pain pills she’s on knock her out. I was crying and said “Baby I NEED You!!!” Then I thought – no I don’t. I need Jesus.
I dropped down on my knees and began to pray. A sobbing prayer full of hurt and anguish. A prayer of submission. I can’t remember what I said. But I basically told him that I was tired of this pain. I don’t want to carry this hurt anymore. I want to be whole, I want to feel complete, I want to be strong. Please take these thoughts away from me Lord, Please give me the confidence to love and to share Erica, the real Erica underneath all this despair, this pain, this loneliness, with the world. I want to do your will. I want to be your faithful servant.
I sat up and looked around my dark room and closed my eyes and just listened. Just waited for Jesus. I Sang a quick little rendition of Here’s My Heart
and just waited on him. Meditating on Psalms 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Over and over I recited this over an over and really understood it. Through all of this he has been close to me. How it must have anguished him so to see me hurt so badly!
Just then it dawned on me that what I call depression is a spiritual attack. Then enemy attacks my mind where I am weak and takes places seeds of doubt and insecurity. I Saw my self and this white light radiate from me and formed a shield around me. I also saw these shadowy figures circling me menacingly, but not attacking me. I knew – THEY CAN’T TOUCH ME!
Jesus is my shield. I pledged to shield myself in the love of Christ, in his blood. I have made a commitment to myself and to the Lord, to unburden myself, and to give my troubles to God. You see I keep all these emotions to myself because I don’t want to be a Negative Nancy. When I feel these feelings creep up I vow to give them to God and ask him to give me peace and I will remember Jesus is My Shield, they can not touch me.
If you made it this far. Thanks for listening and I hope this can be a blessing to someone else.
Peace and Love,